When my son screamed at me, for the first year of his life, I stopped breathing, everything went dark and I would be gripped by a sense of panic. on more than one occasion, I found myself wanting to lash out at the source of the noise. In this story I explore the reasons behind this reaction. 

My younger brother is on the Autistic spectrum. He would become enraged by tiny things and fly into a violent frenzy. One time, I told him (in a somewhat condescending way) to press play on the VCR. he flew into a rage and attacked me. to add insult to insult, after my parents pulled us apart, I was blamed. the injustice stung for years. I hadn't meant to offend him. 

when my son screams at me, I am sometimes transported to that day with my brothers rage contorted face bearing down on me.